Me

You know, a friend of mine once told me, "You only journal when you're sad about something." I'm beginning to think he's right, ha ha.

Life's been pretty boring. I've felt this oppressive sense of stagnation that frightens me. I don't feel like I'm at the end of my race yet. I imagined a life better than this! Better than waking up to tedious shift work six days a week. Better than having to wonder whether I'll be able to stay with my parents another month without fighting over something petty. Better than losing contact with all the friends who used to energize me, simply because I'm out of money and time to spend on keeping in touch.

I was meant for better things! I was meant to move away to my own place, to learn what it's like to be truly, truly independent, to suffer the crushing loneliness at night, to have the freedom to stay out all night, to stand on my own two feet, pay my own bills, make my own friends, own my own pets, go where I want, do what I want!

To get there, I'm going to have to find a way out of the hole I've dug for myself. And that means getting into fighting shape. It means making my health (physical AND mental) a priority, to keep myself going through the tough times. It means making plans of action and sticking to them, to keep the momentum going, and to bolster my spirits. It means completely overhauling my way of living, instilling newer, better habits. It means overcoming my impetuous, id-fueled side, tempering that raw bestial passion in the service of something important! It means working through my fear of opening up to people, to be brave and vulnerable enough to ask for help when I need it, to share my thoughts with those who need to hear it, to learn to make an actual connection instead of just an acquaintance. It means working through my fear of my own negative emotions, to admit my petty feelings, my envy, my regret, my fear, in order that I can truly see them for what they are. Because right now, it's pretty clear I'm boxing shadows.

I've got to get started as soon as I can, and find a way to stick to my guns. I refuse to sit here and wait for the life I want to happen to me.

Community
30 Rock
Mad Men
Breaking Bad
Modern Family
Gravity Falls
BBC Sherlock
Parks and Recreation
The Guild Season 6
MLP:FiM Season 3

I kind of realized something about myself today, after doing a bit of reading. Kind of related to the recent thread of thought here. It isn't just that I enjoy being a rescuer when it comes relationships, but that I need to be needed.

Is it any wonder that I am so powerfully drawn to the aloof, the emotionally unavailable, those with deep-seated troubles? In my head I imagine being the crutch, the power that pulls them out of their despair, and for that (I hope) I receive the love and respect that I've always craved.

And the only reason I crave that so badly is that I was denied that sort of unconditional love and emotional validation through my childhood. I wasn't allowed to feel unsure of myself or to feel overwhelmed when it came to difficulties, especially academic ones. I always had to "get a hold of myself" and get things done, so I internalized the thought that showing weakness is always bad.

And, maybe, to compensate for the internal conflict of never showing that weakness but feeling it intensely, not to mention the added stress of berating myself internally for even feeling it in the first place, I sought out those who I perceived as weaker even than myself-- so that I could feel like the rock, the strong one, to convince myself that I really did have all my shit together.

How fucked up is that?

I am not a perfect person, or even a strong person, most of the time. I do have weakness. There are plenty of times that I feel lazy, or decadent, or just anxious, jealous, angry, another of dozens of negative emotions. And I may be vulnerable, yes. Foolish, yes. But those are my emotions, and there is not a damn thing wrong with my feeling them. Acting them out, maybe, given the circumstances, are not the smartest thing to do, but repressing them internally, telling myself that I shouldn't feel that way, does nothing but add stress and self-loathing.

And the chances are, until I can really feel 100% OK being myself and feeling the way I feel, all of the time, I'm not going to have a chance in hell of engaging with anyone on anything more than a superficial level. In fact, it's probably the source of that whole period where the sense of being "fake" was really strongly brought to the fore. If I can't respect myself for being myself, I'll very seldom have any self-esteem.

I really do need to delve a little deeper into this, but I wanted to get this down before I got to bed, for fear of forgetting it tomorrow.

Another day, another entry.

So I was thinking about what all I could do to actually make those changes I was talking about yesterday really stick, and I realized... something. Wait. What was it?

I need to weigh the pros and cons of each decision, before I make it. And I don't just mean the short term benefits, which is what I was doing before, but the long term ones.

Like, take, for example, a regular workout schedule. If I were doing the same near-sighted routine, it feels like a lot of work and time for very little instant payoff, other than the rush of endorphins and that pumped feeling.

But looking further ahead, at the cumulative benefits of the thing, a healthy heart, excellent strength and stamina, maybe even a little bit of attractive bulk... that sort of stuff doesn't come overnight. And taking that into account, it for sure outweighs the passing benefits of anything short-term I could do with that hour. You can play a game, you can eat a fabulous meal, you can smoke away a cigar, but... none of that is going to affect your life by the next week.

As much as I love my games and hobbies, they really don't do anything for me outside of the short time I play them. Spending my time on something that builds up over time... not only is it more enjoyable, because the benefits really last, but I can take more pride in my efforts. Most people can take a stroll up a gentle hill with little fanfare. Many people will applaud a climb up Everest.

So yes, in the future, I'm not just weighing present pros and cons, because that short-sightedness is what got me here. I've got to weigh as much of the future benefits as I can, as well. Planning is key.

I had a great weekend! It was full of friends, fun, games, and my favorite hobbies. Even though I felt exhausted this morning waking up, I don't regret one moment of it.

But while I did enjoy the weekend greatly, the contrast between that fun and my work week is a bit depressing. I love having the money to go out and do these sorts of things; make no mistake, I really do. In fact, it makes me regret having to go back to school before I can really start on my career path and not have to worry about where the next paycheck is coming from.

I guess I'm just frustrated because, if I had done everything right, I would be out of college, owning my degree, and moving on with my life. And the fact that I'm being held behind and forced to finish it up well after all my friends are moving on just gets me angry at myself, because looking back on the situation, I could have avoided all this.

I could have avoided all this if I was outgoing enough to make friends in class and not force myself to work alone on group projects.

I could have avoided all this if I would have just gone to the classes' office hours and asked for help when I needed it.

I could have avoided all this if I had decided to put my selfish desires on hold, rather than putting off work because it was boring or there were more "fun" things to do that ended up being worth jack after the fleeting moment of pleasure.

And although I realize no amount of self-flagellation is going to change the way things were, I can't help but feel I haven't really taken any steps to address these issues and become more proactive and responsible, even though I'm suffering the consequences of my actions. That's what really gets to me. If I could just find a way to make these changes stick and not feel so deprived and dreary when I'm doing the responsible but perhaps more tedious things in lieu of the fun things, I think I'd be well on the way to making a real change.

So now, I've just got to figure out how to do that.

Well, the first step is the hardest, isn't it?

I tried to follow up on my promises today, and for the most part, I did very well! I took a nice half-hour bike ride around the local park to get some exercise... I don't know if it was me being out of shape or the gravel road, but I was actually fairly tired afterwards. I only rode about 2 miles at a leisurely pace...

I did also try to meditate today. Although I want to say it was 5 minutes of actual calm and 15 minutes of battling wandering thoughts, but I figure that is to be expected of a monkey mind.

I even tried to draw a bit today, but so far I haven't produced anything I like. I'll keep trying, of course, since any experience is valuable, but it's not quite off to a good start.

In other news... I don't know. Maybe it's because the seasons are changing again, but I slipped into a melancholy mood again tonight. I know I need to stop comparing where I am with where I could have been, as that engenders nothing but disappointment... but when I imagine that by this time this year, I could've had a job in a brand new city and have started out living on my own, it just frustrates me to no end to know that I have another year to go before I can complete my degree and even think of doing so.

I'm so sick of being at home. I love my family, but I feel as if I'm being held back from the progress I could be making, as if I'm still being sheltered from life. I suppose on one hand that is a blessing, but on the other hand, it's almost... insulting. I feel like this is the time that I should be out there making my way, learning to stand on my own two feet, and I just absolutely can't do that here. It's the "big fish in a small pond" syndrome, I guess. How big of a fish I really am is debatable, I suppose. I could be overestimating myself again.

It's been quite a while, hasn't it? I'll try to get into the habit of updating this on a regular basis again.

So far, life has settled into a routine. I've been working at my job for a month and a half now, and I think I've gotten the hang of it pretty well. Because everything needs to be done in real time, it can sometimes be very stressful, and I still haven't learned how to be indifferent to angry customers, but I'm slowly but surely learning and getting faster with my responses.

I haven't figured out what to do with myself after work now, though. When I was in school, I'd have more than enough homework to keep me busy (or at least, feeling busy), but now that I have no demands on my time outside of work, I end up coming home and sitting online for hours. I feel like a bore.

And, you know, I think this is a good thing. It's highlighting how much of a life I never made for myself. I always made excuses that I needed to focus on school, but I didn't really focus then, either, just wasted my time. Now that I have no excuse, I finally have the impetus I need to really change. Forget wanting to find other people interesting; I want to find myself interesting, first.

So! Now that I have some money and some free time in the afternoons, I can certainly liven things up. The very first thing I'm going to do is start working out again at the nearby community center. I stopped after my weightlifting class was over, but I realized how well exercise can pump me up and help me clear my head of all sorts of crap that accumulates over the day. Not to mention, it just feels great to exercise the power of your body on something.

Second of all, I'm going to give myself a project to work on. Not a project that affects only myself, but something of value that I can actually present to the public. Likely I'll start off with a creative work like a story or a comic, but I do want to keep my coding skills up as well, so maybe I'll try to make some sort of web-based utility later on. I do still have a few months.

Third, I'm going to start meditating again, and seriously this time. I used to try to make little quick-fix, 10-minute meditation breaks to recenter myself, but it really does take time to calm yourself and be still to find that true sense of equanimity that I've been missing. So I'm going to start integrating this into my daily routine, probably just 20 minutes at first, but I hope to increase to 30 minutes or even an hour, if I have the time.

Finally, (at least, for now, since I don't want to burn myself out), I'm going to get back into using the Getting Things Done system to keep me on track with all this. I've tried it before, but I'd pick and choose the elements of the system I wanted to do instead of truly integrating it with my life, and it showed. I'm hoping to mitigate this by managing my action list through Remember the Milk instead of using my paper notebook, which was kludgy and very unfavorable to editing lists when I needed to.

I'm hoping that once I get myself and my life together and under control, I can start truly using my time to do something that helps me grow as a person, rather than just being satisfied with keeping a baseline of "surviving." I'm putting this all here because I expect you guys to hold me to my commitments! (All three of you. :P)

Of these, the "rescuer" is the least obvious role. In the terms of the drama triangle, the "rescuer" is not a person helping someone in an emergency. It is someone who has a mixed or covert motive that is actually benefiting egoically in some way from being "the one who rescues". The rescuer has a surface motive of resolving the problem, and appears to make great efforts to solve it, but also has a hidden motive to not succeed, or to succeed in a way that they benefit. For example, they may feel a sense of self-esteem or status as a "rescuer", or enjoy having someone dependent or trusting of them - and act in a way that ostensibly seems to be trying to help, but at a deeper level plays upon the victim in order to continue getting their payoff.

-- Wikipedia.

Hello again. It's been too long.

My life is moving along, finally! It's a simple stroll around the block in the grand scheme of things-- I still need to finish my degree--but any motion is better than none.

I finally have a job! It's not very important or glamorous, but it's mine. I'm going to be a customer support tech at web hosting company, HostGator, answering live chats and calls. I'm still in training, but soon, I'll be on my own. I'm a little scared, but I'm excited to finally earn my own keep at the same time. I don't want to say I'm chasing the money, but the freedom that comes with not having to worry whether you'll run out of cash makes it easier to breathe.

On the other hand, I've noticed that I've been flagging in my efforts at self-cultivation. Recently, I had to admit to myself how arrogant I was being. My co-trainees are far from the standard deviation of people you usually see day-to-day, and I was conceited enough to, subconsciously or not, feel I was better than them and balk at them when they tried to socialize with me. Can you believe what egotistic behavior that is? I didn't think I was that stuck-up.

And, on another note, I didn't think I was this obsessed, either. I still find myself thinking of a certain person I care about very much, even after we both agreed to leave things alone. I keep thinking of what could have been if I'd just tried a little harder or been a little different of a person. I keep saying to myself, "if I'd been a better person, this wouldn't have happened," but no matter how fine of a specimen you are, you're aren't entitled to have anyone. They deserve to be happy with whomever they wish, and I deserve to move on.

Other than that, I don't think I have much to say right now. I'm trying to get back into the habit of thinking in here, since it seems to be the only time I really sit down and look inward these days.