Be Good

When I'm feeling troubled, I usually turn to my friends. My two best friends, fuestjuki and Vernon (who, as far as I know, doesn't have a LiveJournal), are the only two who have really stuck with me since I was in middle school. I'm glad to say that I've still kept in touch with them, in person, for over five years running now. I can honestly say I'd be willing to sacrifice a lot for them. I can't say the same about anyone else I've met, even some people whom I really get along with and who I wish would connect with me on that deep level.

When I have issues that are so personal that I hesitate to broach the subject with even those two, I don't have a support group, really. I turn to my journal and try to come to a conclusion on my own. There are times that I really do need a second opinion, though, and it's hard trying to come to a decision without advice.

I am worried.

I notice that I brood on myself entirely too much.

It's not because I'm self-centered (at least, I hope that isn't the reason). It's because I believe(d?) that true change starts from within. One's mental and emotional state affects mood and energy level. A sort of 'mind over matter' situation. Stress, in particular, can cause several adverse reactions; headaches, nausea, and tension. Conversely, a relaxed and alert mental state can result in increased focus and productivity.

But at the same time, it's entirely possible to argue that one's mental state is a result of external factors. After all, there's a reason solitary confinement is a punishment-- the lack of stimulation and social contact can drive a person mad. And, in a more reasonable sense, one can argue that things like diet, exercise, and overall healthy habits can affect the mind as well. To look at it purely objectively, the brain is merely a network of neurons firing. Keep the neurons healthy, keep the mind running properly, right? The mind is a plaything of the body.

This whole time I've been thinking that I need to get into the right frame of mind before I tackle external problems, but what if they're inexplicably linked, in a sort of 'chicken and egg' situation? The only solution, then, is to actively pursue internal and external goals in parallel, that is, live your life as best you can AND try to be a better person. When I say it like that, it sounds like extremely common sense, but on occasion, I'll forget and try to pursue one part at the expense of the other.

(sigh)

I'm really, seriously doubting whether I can even get through college anymore. I've done consistently horrible since I got in, and it doesn't even matter if I do well in a few classes if the rest of them drag down my GPA, anyway. Not to mention, the thought of working on projects for Computer Science, instead of filling me with excitement and anticipation, is now filling me with dread and anger at myself for not studying harder. It only gets harder from here, so if I can't hack it now, then logically I'll be absolutely horrible the next year. And that is my fault and mine alone, for not being dedicated enough, not having my priorities straight, and not asking anyone for help.

But what else am I supposed to do? Try to live my life on a high school degree and end up working a dead-end job at the 7-11 for ten years? Be able only to look on as everyone I know moves on to bigger and better things, while I'm left alone? I can't let that happen. Besides, that would be running away from my problems. No way. I was supposed to be somebody by the age of 23.

So, the way things are going, there's no way I'll be able to stay. But there's no way I'd want to leave. I don't know what to do. I'm freaking out, too. I worry so much I give myself tension headaches, I have trouble sleeping, my mind won't stop hurling terrible thoughts at me, and my poor performance isn't exactly popular with the folks back home, either. No respite. No escape. No support.

OK, so:

-I'm going to take a Career and Life Planning course next semester; hopefully, that'll help me decide whether or not I should declare CS at the end of the semester or look into something else.

-I'm going to retake a couple of my math courses over the summer, because a solid foundation in mathematics is clearly necessary for me to continue successfully.

-I may request a counseling appointment to get my maladaptive perfectionism definitively under control; it's been a toxic asset since high school, and I'm sick of it.

By no means set in stone; after all there's still time and money to consider but... some plan's better than no plan.

So, I'll make this short and sweet.

- I'm working almost day-in, day-out these days. I go to school at 9 AM and usually don't leave until about 11 PM, with less work done than I'd like to.

- I'm beginning to lose faith in my choice of computer science as a major. It interests me to no end, but I don't seem to have the aptitude for it. I've struggled in all the math and statistics classes required for the major, surprisingly.

- I really, really love my Sociology class. Studying the behavior of groups and the links between social factors such as income and biological factors such as health (a surprisingly strong link!) fascinates me. I'm pondering whether I should declare that as my major before the deadline next semester, but:

a) I'm wondering if my Intro class is deceptively easy and engaging, and it won't be as fun in the higher levels, not to mention the field's a little more survey-oriented than I'd like, and

b) I'm worried I'd regret "giving up" on Comp Sci. I'm not saying I should trudge through a subject I won't enjoy, but the general opinion around Rice, one that I've internalized to an extent, is that the engineers see the liberal arts and social sciences as "easy" degrees for students who can't make their way through a "proper" engineering major.

- Given all this, I'd like some input.

Those of you who've studied or are studying the humanities, what drew you to your discipline, what is or was your workload like in college, and has it helped you out in the real world?

In the spirit of balance, I'm seeking similar answers from those with experience in the science and engineering majors. What drew you to your discipline, and is the satisfaction worth the heavier workload?

Has it really been 4 days since I last wrote in this?

... Well, I've got more to fret about. But I want to organize it better this time, instead of just having some extended moan with no substance.

These past few days have been pretty nice.

Monday, I finished my reading for the week, which was really satisfying. Usually I'm putting it off and struggling to finish by Thursday or so, so that was a big chunk of time freed up. On top of that, I powered through my laundry, so I've got a nice clean wardrobe and a good week-and-a-half or so before I need to wash again. :)

Tuesday, I met with my Stat professor to discuss my future in the class. It's true that I've screwed things up royally in there already (let's just say, failing the midterm is not a good sign), but she told me that if I really put in some effort and score high on the remaining homework and the final, I won't fail, and I can always mark the class pass/fail afterward, so that's what I'm aiming to do. Here's hoping I can follow through with the plan!

Today, I decided to get more stuff out of the way. I cleaned up my room, which feel wonderful; an open and free space is so much more conducive to clear thinking. I wrote my essay for my Academic Writing class and submitted it today rather than Friday when it's due, so that's another load off my shoulders. Turns out, not procrastinating leaves you with a bunch of free time. Who knew? :P

Tomorrow, I'm thinking I'll tackle my Sociology exam, leaving my Friday theoretically free.

Well, not exactly. I've got a concert for the Phils coming up Friday, and we're having a small alumni potluck beforehand—unfortunately, that means I have to cook enough mac and cheese to feed about 18-20 people. I'm a bit apprehensive as to whether I can pull it off and still make it taste good, but failing everything else, I can just spend my Friday cooking serial individual batches and combining them at the end, hehe.

I'm looking forward to the weekend, definitely. Of course, then the week starts again, and that means more work and more reading. I must be kind of lazy; I can't seem to adapt to having busy-ness be the normal state for me, I guess. (yawn) Right now, I'm tired, though. Zzzz...

Wow. This weekend was scarily productive. I usually have a lot of things I look at and in my head, I say, "I should get around to [whatever]," and never get around to. But this weekend I resolved to a "Do it now!" mantra and to stop putting things off. I got an amazing amount of work done, and I don't really feel like I burned out or anything-- in fact, I feel proud of myself for achieving so much, and I only needed to take one break in all the commotion today.

I've been listening to Ben Gibbard almost non-stop these days. Whether it's a Death Cab for Cutie album or The Postal Service, I just can't seem to get enough of his voice. I'm sure it's just another phase and I'll eventually get sick of it and move on to something else, but for now, I'm hooked, hehe. "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight," in particular, has been in my head all day. :)

Something strange that hasn't happened in months occurred to me this weekend. It's almost like dejà vú, but a little more awkward. Instead of feeling I've been in a situation before, the situation will more trigger a sort of premonition regarding something in that environment instead. I wouldn't really call it a premonition, but more of a "future memory;" a memory of a particular moment that hasn't actually come about yet. The scary part is, sometimes I'm right. I don't really trust any of my brain shorts, but when that particular event comes about, I'll get that sudden realization and a chill will shoot up my spine.

The one that happened this time was a pre-memory of a particularly loud and nasty argument between me and one of the people I happened to be eating lunch with, so it's got me a bit worried. But, of course, that worry might be just the thing to avert the crisis altogether; who knows?

I can't seem to get this image out of my head.

The sun slowly rises and illuminates a picturesque scene. First it peeks over the crest of a mountain, first only a bright rim of light and then all of a sudden, brilliant orange radiance as the snow takes the light and refracts it in infinite, infinitesimal ways. The rays clear the peak and illuminate the lake in the foreground, placid and clear, nurturing the green rushes on the bank, which sway in lazy rhythm with the water.

The air is biting cold, but incredibly clear; there isn't a sound for miles aside from the wind and the occasional call of some bird whose name I don't know. I take a breath, and in my head, I know that I'm in the middle of some deep wilderness, one that will never be found anywhere else. A particularly strong gust hits me in the eyes, drawing out a few involuntary tears, but snapping me into a particularly awake state.

I'd like to experience it, but I don't think it exists. Just a little randomness.

Well, I had written another long and moody diatribe, but it seemed gangly and awkward and inexpressive.

So, to sum it up, I'm not doing so hot in a couple of my classes and I'm afraid I'm going to fail them, I'm really stressed out because I have a great deal of important (read: heavily-weighted) tests and assignments due this week, and I have a strong lingering fear of failing in school because I think mediocre performance (read: GPA < 3.25) will restrict me to a mediocre, dull, and unfulfilling existence, and I'll bitterly regret it for the rest of my days.

Would someone please convince me I'm wrong about this?

There's a certain tension hanging in the air, in my thoughts.

Where do you draw the line between ambition and satisfaction?

After all, being overly ambitious just turns to greed, never being satisfied with what one has, always on the look-out for something better while neglecting the perfectly good things one already has achieved. And of course, if one speeds down the road to success, one misses all the scenery on the roadside. Even if one arrives at their destination, it won't be worth enjoying.

But at the same time, being overly complacent just turns to sloth. Not bothering to try to make things better leaves one overly passive and reactive. They don't make things happen; things happen to them. Sure, it's less stressful, and there is a time and place for being accommodating and knowing when to pick one's fights, but one can't do it ALL the time.

And it's odd, because both paradigms are held by various sources around the world; the West is mostly active, and the East is mostly passive. But they both get along pretty well.

What do you think?

Put your music library on shuffle. Post the first lines of the first 25 songs that come up. The game: Guess which songs the first lines are from!

( Lines here! )

Good luck~

Recently, I've been feeling that stagnant feeling again. It's as if everyone else is running the race, and I'm stuck on the treadmill.

It's not that this is exactly a boring town or anything, either. I just feel restless, as if I've stayed in the same place for too long. I'd really love to break out of this daily routine and do something I've never done before, something that scares me a little. It'd make things exciting, and more memorable; the days would stop blurring themselves into each other.

So, I suppose I should go about this logically. What would I need to do this? Obviously I'd need the free time available to go out and do these things. If those things cost money, I would need that as well. Most importantly, I would need the courage to break out of my routine and do something I haven't practiced at all.

Huh. Sounds easy enough. All I gotta do is keep on top of my schoolwork and watch my cash flow, right?

I'd like to be resting on the floor of an old abandoned cottage, watching the sunlight filter through the warped and broken beams of the roof and illuminate the cloud of dust motes floating just above my nose. Then I'd sit up, brush off the dust that's accumulated on my clothes, and walk back outside and away down the dirt trail that led me there.

I'd like to be lying in bed with someone, alone and awake at 2 AM, just listening to their light snoring while passing cars make the shadows from the window dance across the ceiling. I'd pull the comforter over myself a little more, press myself into the warm body heat, and drift off in what feels like absolute happiness listening to the soft rain.

I'd like to be on the beach at sunset, the water rippling gold and casting the entire scene in a hazy summertime goldenrod glow. The sea breeze would catch me across the face, filling my head with sand and salt, and I'd sit in my chair and savor the fading warmth and the passing of the day.

Yeah, sounds nice, but the bigger question is, why can't I appreciate being where I am right now?

I'm not sure what to say anymore. These past few days haven't produced anything noteworthy to summarize, really. I'm a little disappointed. Am I really so simple? Has my life become so mundane that I can't dredge up anything interesting from my day-to-day existence? Well, that's probably my own fault, not going out to accomplish anything of note, but I have trouble deciding what to do. Anyway, before I go off on a further tangent….

I love the cold front that's come in recently. It's such a nice break from the sweltering humidity of last week. I actually got to break out my (too-big) jackets, for once. Of course, the downside of cold weather is that it tends to make me gloomy and apathetic. I'm not sure why, I just seem to be sapped of energy when it's a quiet, grey day. The mood carried over into just about everything I did today; I woke up late, ate late, sat around, didn't do much at all. I'd probably chalk today down as wasted, to be honest, and I hate wasting days.

Wasting too many days in a row, especially, depresses me.

Any way. I've got two days off, and I'll try not to waste them, for once. :P

I called
because
I just
need to feel you on the line.

Don't hang up this time.

—John Mayer, "Split Screen Sadness"

I've got that awful feeling of unpreparedness again, and it's not just because of my Stat class, this time. I often repeat some awful questions in my head: what if I just didn't do well enough in class to make it in the real world? Should I have worked harder? Would it have made a difference? It's pretty important; knowing your stuff is gonna net you a job down the road, right?

Perhaps it's just the future, in general. I feel as if I were walking blindfolded down a path, and it scares me. What if I trip on a rock or root? What if the path is a dead end, or, worse, a cliff edge? To be honest, I've been plagued by this general feeling of nebulous insecurity the entire time I've been in college. It just seems as if I'm learning a bunch of stuff that isn't really paying off in any real-world skill.

So, um… things happened. I'm still alive! But it's super late so I'm gonna get to bed now. Something tomorrow, maybe, if I can get around to it. Just a little notice. :)

Today, out of curiosity, I tabulated exactly how many free hours I have in a week. I defined "free time," here, as non-scheduled, non-sleep activities. So I lumped in homework time with free time. I came out with roughly 80 free hours in a week. That's 49% of the week that I could use for homework. Assuming I have an average workload, I'd expect to spend about 25-30 hours a week on homework, leaving a good 45-50 hours free. So how is it that I'm running behind? :P

There are also things I feel that I should be doing that I'm not getting around to; for example, I'd like to master a few programming languages, like Python or Ruby—partly to gain experience, and partly because I don't feel like much of a Comp Sci major with just a passing familiarity in Java. And then there's my art that I've been neglecting, and I really should start working out again, and then there's the drabblets, and and and…

It's a weird paradox. By all accounts, I should have ample time to do all this, and yet I'm barely accomplishing anything; what's wrong?